Anxiety

I've been struggling with anxiety a lot. I mean, it's something I always have to deal with in some form or another, and have my entire life. But the last few days have been piling it on pretty high.

There's a lot going on in my life, and a lot of challenges that I'm working to overcome. But every time I try to sit down to write, or draw, or do anything creative or productive it's like my brain freaks out and goes blank.

Sometimes I get these intrusive thoughts that lead to looping internal dialogs with myself. Berating myself for not being better or doing more. Running through possible discussions or arguments I should have with someone and probably won't ever have. And the worst one is when my mind goes blank, but it's not just blank and empty, that would at least be calm. It's like I'm having those internal arguments with myself, but so loudly and angrily that my conscious mind has been deafened to it. Like when you were a kid and in your room with the music turned up so you can't hear your parent's arguing and yelling, but you know they are, you can feel it in your bones. Or when your parents' got mad at you and they were yelling at you about something and you just tuned out and stopped listening, just waiting for them to be done. It's like my mind is doing that to itself. I know something's wrong. I know there is some voice in my head yelling and screaming about something, trying to tell me horrible things. I can viscerally feel it in my entire body, the fear, the anger, the guilt. But I don't know why, I don't know what is causing it, I don't even know what subject my subconscious has latched onto today to be upset about. All I know is I can't focus on anything, and that I need to turn up the volume and hide from it until it goes away. Wait until the argument in the next room in my mind has run it's course. Wait until the mind voice has given up berating me, cause I'm obviously not actually listening. So instead of the useful things I want to do. Things that would help me feel better. Things that would give me less reason to feel useless and guilty and anxious. The only thing I can do is turn up the volume on the TV, listen to music, play a game, anything and everything I can to drown out the screaming I can't even actually hear.