I can't say I know anything about being a father. My child was born all of three days ago. I thought I would have more time to prepare myself for this. At least to prepare the house, to find a job, to feel like I might not be utterly terrible at this.
I haven't even gotten a chance to hold her yet (my wife has, and I was there for one of those times, but I wanted to let her have that moment first), but I'm already feeling different about it. I guess the best word is serene. Not that I won't start freaking out again soon, my anxiety won't let me go too long before it comes back to play, but for now I'm actually feeling fairly good about this.
Hopeful and optimistic even.
I have a beautiful child. The birth wasn't what we had hoped for or wanted, and it was two months sooner then we had expected, but you know what? She is healthy. My wife is healthy. Our family is healthy and happy and growing, and growing stronger for all of it. This past week and a half of being in the hospital has been very hard, very stressful. But it has also been amazing in a way. Amazing what the four of us are willing and able to do for one another. Amazing what our friends and family and other partners are willing and able to do for us. The show of both support, and respect has been so heart warming. Offering their help, and expressing their concern and love, while also giving us the space we need to not become overwhelmed. The space we needed to focus on what was happening and the choices we needed to make. And the space now, to focus on recovery, and on our new child.
So I don't know anything about being a father, but the first lesson I am learning is to let go of expectations. I no longer have control of my life in the ways I did before, and that is something I will need to come to terms with. I have always been a fairly 'go with the flow' kind of person in many respects, but I also have a strong sense of needing my own space, both in a physical and temporal sense. I think I will always need that, but now I need to learn how to accommodate for the need to share that space more often than not. And that I won't always have control over defining that space.
And I am ok with that.
